Hits Different
“It’s not just what you say but how you say it,” rings true for everyone, but hits home for ADHDers
I will never forget the day my child looked at me and said, “Well, you don’t seem happy.” To this day, I cannot remember the context, but the intonation made it obvious they were referring to my overall well-being, not a moment in time. Seven years later, I can still remember how that simple statement stopped me in my tracks. It was a huge “aha moment.” I had no idea how the stress I was experiencing at work was impacting my interactions at home. There were a few factors at work coming together causing what people refer to as the perfect storm. Despite carefully choosing my words to leave the stress behind, my paraverbals and nonverbals were sending an entirely different message.
Watch your paraverbals and nonverbals more than your words.
Have you ever heard “It’s not what you say, but how you say it?” Communication is much more than words. In fact, spoken words account for only 7% of what we communicate.
Paraverbals, including tone, pitch, volume, emphasis, and intonation, account for 38% of communication. For example, talking to someone in a high pitch ending in an upbeat intonation conveys positivity. On the other hand, increasing volume with a low tone can signal irritation, sending a negative message.
Nonverbals, including facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, and posture, account for the remaining 55%. A sigh turns a positively stated comment into a negative one just as easily as a harsh tone. These cues can drastically alter the message being communicated, often without the speaker realizing it.
Despite my best efforts to remain positive with my words, I was unknowingly sending conflicting messages through my tone, expressions, and body language. My child picked up on these signals, even when I wasn’t aware of them myself.
When it comes to the ADHDer, the impact is heavy.
ADHD brains struggle with prioritizing and filtering stimuli, so ADHD brains do not filter out what some people consider to be irrelevant input. These keen senses translate to being very perceptive, making them particularly sensitive to paraverbals and nonverbals. They don’t just hear what you say, they pick up on how you say it.
Due to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, past experience with negative messages, and a mind that goes a mile a minute, ADHD brains veer towards the negative. RSD is an extreme emotional response resulting from the perception that you have disappointed people in your life and they will withdraw their love and approval. It causes fear of being rejected, teased, or criticized. It occurs in ADHD, partially due to an overactive nervous system, and causes the ADHDer to become or people pleaser or stop trying.
When someone is in a bad mood, the ADHDers first thought may be, “What did I do wrong?” while a neurotypical peer may think, “What’s their problem?” This tendency to internalize negativity makes them particularly vulnerable to subtle cues in tone and body language.
Because ADHDers process communication differently, they may ruminate on interactions long after they occur. A dismissive sigh or a sharp tone can linger in their thoughts, reinforcing feelings of rejection or inadequacy.
People will follow your lead.
This is especially true for those in positions of authority. How you treat others and react to them influences how they are perceived by those around them. This is particularly impactful for neurodivergent individuals, such as those with ADHD. If you express frustration towards an ADHDer, others will pick up on it and may begin to treat them with the same impatience.
For example, if you always speak to one child in a high, bubbly tone but use a low, flat tone with another, you may communicate an unintended preference. Slumping your shoulders with a sigh every time a certain student or employee asks a question sends a clear message of exasperation that everyone around you will notice.
The phrase, be careful of your thoughts, for they become your words; be careful of your words, for they become your actions rings especially true here. Your verbals, paraverbals, and nonverbals shape how others perceive and interact with people, sometimes in ways you don’t intend.
Once a teacher or a boss has lost patience with an ADHDer, their peers often follow suit. On a similar note, consider how much weight your positives hold. A simple smile, wave, or warm greeting can set the tone for how others perceive and treat that individual.
The power of positivity.
Knowing that paraverbals and nonverbals hold such weight, imagine the impact of intentionally making them positive. A warm smile, encouraging tone, or reassuring gesture can have a considerable effect. Mistakes and frustrations will happen, but when positive interactions are consistent, the occasional negative ones won’t hit as hard.
Understanding the impact of RSD and the inability to filter stimuli, the positives hold as much intensity as the negatives. This means small gestures have a profound impact on ADHDers. I did not have any friends in my high school homeroom. Noticing this, the teacher went out of his way to say good morning, engaged me in conversations, and let me leave early to drop off the attendance. I still remember this small act of kindness 40 years later. That simple gesture turned my sense of dread into one of anticipation.
By being mindful of how we communicate, not just what we say, we can create environments where everyone, especially ADHDers, feels valued, understood, and supported.
www.burstingbarriers.com
